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It is 6 months now since alife changing period of my life. So how do I describe how I’ve been? It’s very difficult really… My situation is considered stable, yet I still have to have regular blood tests to check my health and to see if my medication is keeping my blood to the right fluidity level. Last month I had a doppler scan on my leg, which found that the vein where I had a thrombosis (twice!) is clear apart from a little finger of blood clot. Otherwise it is just scarred – which is to be expected. In short I had the all clear for the leg, but will remain on medication until at least September.
A la rentrée I will undergo some tests to see WHY I’ve had two thrombosis in the last 10 years or so, with the second one catastrophically putting my life in danger. My GP has said that my life could be at risk again should the same thing happen as back in January.
At this point I have to say that Drs Knafo (my GP) and Scheers (the specialist) have been totally brilliant. Between them, they’ve saved my life and although it sounds corny, I will never forget that. Dr Knafo has even rang twice after blood tests to tell me not to worry and that everything is fine… there is no risk while I’m under treatment.
Mentally though, it has been a bit of a mixed bag. I feel like I’m putting a brave face on, but inside I can’t deny that I feel very scared. The fact my Dad was 44 when he died is never far from my mind, he was 3 years older than I am now. Also, I keep thinking about my Grandma, who we lost last November. I miss her a lot.
I have felt the need to distance myself from people I feel don’t care… I am not proud of that. But since January I feel that certain friends have distanced themselves from me. As a result I have just felt that I wanted to distance myself from them.
In short, having nearly died I feel I realise who really cares about me, and who doesn’t.
Over the months my children have kept me very busy and I’ve even typeset two magazines in the time since my hospital stay. My parents in law have been very supportive, for which I’ll be eternally grateful. Yet from the UK I just have silence from my own family. That hurts.
The only thing I really care about is being here for my kids and seeing them grow up. The first part of this year has put that at risk and that is something that scares me the most. The worst is when I have to tell my son off for something he has done, or that I have the constant crying of my daughter. I love them more than I could ever express, but at the same time I can’t describe how bad I feel when I am in a position where I get annoyed with them… in fact I feel that this “thing” in the background makes me a lot less patient than I could be. My son seems to realise that there is something wrong and will occasionally come to see me for a kiss or a hug. It is then you realise that a 4 year old is more aware of things around them than you realise.
Last but not least, my Thumpah has always been there for me, as always. For that, I am very very lucky.